Parshas Vayera 5787 - Word Power

At the beginning of this week's parsha, three men, who turn out to be angels, visit Avraham Avinu. After Avraham serves them food, they ask him:

“They said to him, ‘Where is Sarah your wife?’ And he said, ‘Behold, she is in the tent!’” (Bereishis 18:9)

This question is puzzling. Since the visitors were angels, they certainly knew where Sarah was. Why, then, did they need to ask Avraham where she was?

Rashi, quoting the Gemara in Bava Metzia 87a, explains that although the angels knew Sarah was in the tent, they wanted Avraham to respond that she was there. This would bring Sarah's modesty to his attention and make her even more beloved to her husband.

The Gemara's answer, however, raises an even more intriguing question. We are speaking about Avraham Avinu, the very paradigm of chessed (kindness). His love and concern for others were so extraordinary that he even pleaded with Hashem to spare the wicked cities of Sodom and Amorah. Surely, he loved Sarah, his own wife, even more.

Furthermore, Avraham and Sarah had been married for many decades. Avraham was 99 years old and Sarah was 89. Avraham certainly knew that Sarah was a righteous and modest woman. Why would he need these visitors to point out something he already knew? How could their question possibly increase his appreciation of her?

Rav Henoch Leibowitz, zt”l, explains that there is no limit to the love and appreciation that should exist between a husband and wife. The Torah teaches us that we should continually strive to deepen our love and respect for our spouses. Therefore, even Avraham Avinu, the paradigm of chessed, could benefit from hearing something that would strengthen his already profound appreciation for Sarah.

Rav Henoch adds an important psychological insight. Avraham certainly knew that Sarah was a modest and righteous woman. Nevertheless, when the angels asked about her and he responded that she was in the tent, he was prompted to acknowledge that virtue. Hearing it brought the quality into sharper focus and deepened his appreciation of her.

There is a difference between knowing something and having that knowledge reinforced. A person may be fully aware of another's positive qualities, but hearing those qualities acknowledged can still strengthen his feelings of admiration and affection. Even when we hear something we already know, it can have a powerful effect on our attitudes and emotions. The more positive things we hear about someone, the more those qualities become reinforced in our minds.

This lesson applies not only to marriage but to all our relationships. Most parents understand that children need frequent encouragement and praise. A child's self-esteem is still developing, and sincere recognition of his or her good qualities and accomplishments can provide important reinforcement.

But this is not limited to children. Adults also need to hear positive things about themselves and the people they care about. A sincere compliment or expression of appreciation can strengthen someone's confidence and deepen the positive feelings that exist between people.

Unfortunately, human nature often leads us to focus on the negative qualities and shortcomings of others. We may notice what someone did wrong much more readily than what he or she did right. My father, A”H, used to constantly remind me and my siblings to overcome this tendency. He encouraged us to recognize and praise the positive actions of others rather than dwell on their shortcomings.

The angels' words to Avraham teach us just how powerful positive comments can be. If a few words of praise could deepen the appreciation of Avraham Avinu, the paradigm of chessed, for his wife Sarah, how much more can our words influence the way we view one another?

We should make a conscious effort to notice the good in others. We should praise the positive qualities and actions of our spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and neighbors. Rather than being quick to criticize, we should look for opportunities to encourage and build others up.

May we merit to use our words to bring out the best in those around us, strengthen the bonds between husband and wife, improve the relationships within our families, and help repair the strained relationships that exist between people. In this way, we can bring shalom into our homes, the world and hasten the ultimate geulah.

-Rabbi Garber, Oct. 30, 2026