Parshas Toldos 5786 - Taking Responsibility

At the end of this week’s parsha, Yitzchak and Rivkah send Yaakov to Lavan to find a wife. When Esav sees this, he finally realizes that his parents did not want their children to marry Canaanite women—a standard he himself had ignored when he married two Canaanite wives. In response, Esav decides to take a third wife, this time from a different family:

“Esav perceived that the daughters of Canaan were evil in the eyes of Issac, his father. So Esav went to Ishmael and took Mahalas, the daughter of Ishmael son of Avraham, sister of Nevayos, in addition to his wives, as a wife for himself.” (Beraishis 28:8-9).

Later, however, when the Torah lists Esav’s genealogy, this same woman is called Basmas. (Beraishis 36:3). Why did the Torah use two different names for the same woman?

Rashi and Rabbeinu Bachya explain that her real name was Basmas, but the Torah temporarily refers to her as Machlas—from the word machal, meaning “forgiveness”—to teach that when a man marries, Hashem forgives his sins (Yerushalmi Bikkurim 3:3).

This raises a difficulty. The very source for learning that marriage brings forgiveness is Esav’s marriage to Machlas. How can this be? Esav was an immoral man who hated Yaakov and vowed to murder him. (Beraishis 27:41). How can this uplifting principle be derived from a man such as Esav?

A second question follows: Why should marriage bring forgiveness? Even on the holy day of Yom Kippur when our sins are forgiven, forgiveness requires sincere repentance. (Rambam, Hilchos Teshuvah 1:3). Esav did not repent before he got married. If Yom Kippur would not have secured forgiveness for a person without teshuvah, how could marriage accomplish even more than Yom Kippur?

Rav Chaim Shmulevitz (Sichos Mussar 23) offers a profound answer. Marriage is not merely an agreement to live together. It is a conscious acceptance of responsibility—for one’s spouse, one’s future family, and a shared life of commitment and care. Taking on responsibility for the well-being of others reflects the greatness of a human being. Because marriage marks the beginning of a new stage of life built on responsibility, Hashem clears away the past and grants the couple a fresh foundation upon which to build.

This principle applies even to an immoral person like Esav. The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 67:13) teaches that at this moment, Esav briefly considered changing his ways. Hashem, in His generosity, offered even Esav the opportunity to begin anew.

Today, we live in a society where responsibility is often avoided or postponed. Marriage and family are delayed, sometimes indefinitely. Many people feel entitled to benefits without assuming obligations. Even criminals are sometimes portrayed solely as victims, absolved of responsibility for their choices.

The Torah teaches differently. Accepting responsibility—getting married, meeting obligations, caring for others, paying debts, keeping promises even when inconvenient—is a hallmark of true greatness. If Hashem offered Esav a chance to start over when he accepted new responsibilities, how much more does He support us when we do the same.

When we embrace responsibility—whether in marriage, family, community, or personal conduct—Hashem helps us succeed and overcome the challenges along the way. May we continually strive to strengthen our commitments and when possible, to accept new responsibilities. In that merit, may Hashem bless our efforts and hasten the ultimate redemption of the world.