Toldos 5785

The Torah tells us that “when Esav saw that Yitzchak had blessed Yaakov and sent him off to Paddan-aram to take himself a wife from there, as he blessed him he commanded him, saying, ‘You shall not take a wife from among the daughters of Canaan’; and that Yaakov obeyed his father and mother and went to Paddan-aram,… Esav went to Ishmael and took Machlas, the daughter of Yishmael son of Avraham, sister of Nevayoth, in addition to his wives, as a wife for himself.” (Beraishis 28:6-9).

It appears that Esav decided to marry Machlas immediately after Yaakov left for Padan-aram. Esav was already married to two Canaanite wives, who were a source of “bitter spirit” to both of his parents. (Ibid. 26:35). Nevertheless, Esav did not divorce them and did not undertake to marry a non-Canaanite wife. Only after Yitzchak commanded Yaakov not to marry a Canaanite and Yaakov left to marry one of his cousins did Esav decide to imitate his brother and marry a non-Canaanite. The text specifies that Esav married Machlas only after he saw that: (1) Yitzchak commanded Yaakov not to take a Canaanite wife and (2) Yitzchak left for Paddan-aram. Rav Moshe Feinstein ZT”L asks why it was not enough for Esav to hear that Yitzchak commanded Yaakov not to marry a Canaanite. Why did Esav also need to see Yaakov undertake to get married before he decided to marry Machlas?

Rav Moshe answers that the mere fact that Yitzchak commanded Yaakov not to marry a Canaanite was not enough to motivate Esav. In Esav’s mind, the parental command without a subsequent action could be rationalized as parental non-binding “advice”. He could also have rationalized and said that although his two wives were Canaanites, they were not so bad that he should need to marry someone else. It only became clear to Esav that his father was serious and that he really considered Esav’s wives to be wicked when Yaakov actually departed to fulfill his father’s command.

We see from Esav that it is ineffective to merely offer advice to others. The popular expression is “talk is cheap”. Only if one’s words are followed by actions will others be motivated to listen to the person’s advice. Esav did not act and apply his father’s command to himself until he first saw Yaakov take action. If a parent wants to inspire a child; a teacher wants to motivate a student; or one wants to advise a friend; it is incumbent on that person to demonstrate the he or she personally acts in that manner. As Rabbi Chanina said (Avos 3:12): “Anyone whose deeds are greater than his wisdom – his wisdom will endure. And anyone whose wisdom is greater than his deeds – his wisdom will not endure.” Gandhi may or may not have actually said “be the change that you wish to see in the world”, but the principle is found in Torah. Transforming oneself is the first step toward transforming the world.